so me and my bffl decide that we are "tired" of ana and we "convinced" ourselves that we were normal..well today jan. 32.08 we now know we have no hope to be normal. my nutritionist fed me the "normal" amout of calorie intake in other words the fat ppl way to eat and may i tell u it was living hell!!!! i was fed        calories..i am so ashamed tht i dont want to mention it. my bff has coe but she has anoretic behavior too so she took the over feed a little better then i did...i cut my wrist and lost a good amount of blood just scraping the vein in my wrist...then i go to work out as soon as i get out of school wich led to me passing out and in a             bed. i feel so obease and depressed i feel better off on 100-200 cals a day then        .  i am not happy w/ ana but i am never going to be okay being "normal."...i am a sad pathetic case of being stuck in the middle and i feel completely powerless to get well:-( .....maybe oneday ill see the bright side of thingz :-/

 i have relized that i fuck up alot in life. it is clear to me what i really want in life and that is to be thin. not just normal thin but i want to be sickly thin. i am desperate to be a size 2 something that i never was. i was always the "thicker" one in the group but not anymore...not ever again and i will do what i have to to make it possible. for my hieght wich i have jus had another growth spurt i am now 5"7 a size 2 will look deathly on me and i know this but yet i make it today that i promise myself that i will hit that size i will get there. i constantly tell myself that once i am a size two everything will get better im not sure if they will but i really dont care...i am very pissed at myself i have been high for the past two dayz so i have done mindless eating and i am not sure if i gained i am to terrified to step on the scale...i have find myself slipping away somtimes i cannot stand to be around my friendz and family sometimez they just annoy me and get in my way of my way of getting better. i cannot lie when i am high and i eat it almost feelz like i am normal i mean i do think about food but i am not afraid to eat it but when i come down and relize what i have done that is when the trouble starts bc i do not remember anything that has went into my mouth and of course i have to punish myself...so i am sober now and i have a headache had stomatch pain(might of been hunger pains) and lost of memory and i feel more depressed then i did for the reason why i got high...the only good point that comes out of this is that when i do get high for at least 5 days i drop about 7lbs w/o knowing then on top of my excersize i lose another 5. losing weight is the only reason why i do this but that should be too obvious.....  well i gotta go workout b4 my parents come home on n btw i got my haircut yesterday i love it <3 stay strong and alwayz think thin

 so i everybody has these dayz where they feel like they cant do anything right...well i have a life like that. i cant do anything i say im going to and i cant fufill what ppl ask of me...sometimes i just feel usless just want to give up and give in :-( idk maye i jus need to relax and have some fun but nuthing i do can be fun bc my friends alwayz want to eat so i never get a break from them...and to day i did horrible in my track meet i didnt even try bc i just knew i would fail...i didnt really want to be there. And my mom pissed me the fuck off in the morning bc i had my food plan all figured out but she waited to late to leave bc she had to put on make-up wtf it was 7:00 am why does she need make-up idk...but yea im late she has no money the store takes no credit or debit so i am stuck with a track meet and no food..sounds great but i did shitty w/o it but at least i had about 170 today so sumthin came good from this day...well i justed needed to vent..i gotta go have to think of a reason to not sit at the fucking table for dinner.......i hate life die young save yourself:-(......


<3*think thinn* xoxo
*Kye Kye*

 so ive relized my peception of thin has changed..i see some of the old thinspos i use to wach and it looks like i look like them and im still fatt!!!! this is upsetting i can never win and i will always be fat. somtimes i feel i want to be so thin so i can walk and my thighs have an 3 inch gap between them, i want to see the bones in every part of me bc i thnk tht is wat will make me and ana happy. maybe this will end wen i am 126 or 2gw:110 or maybe it will end wen i am dead i have kno idea and i dont care ne more i am goin to be so thin it will hurt and i will love every inch of it bc this is wat ana says...i cannot wait untill i go to sleep and wake up concentrated on my new path to be as thin as air each day i go its another lbs melting away to my perfect soul...wat lovely thought i have on my birthday :-/ well this is my first lj cut so idk if i did it right but this is my before and after...ne feedback i always see problem areas.....<a href="http://s164.photobucket.com/albums/u24/babygurl110_01/?action=view&current=me.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i164.photobucket.com/albums/u24/babygurl110_01/me.jpg" border="0" alt="me"></a>

<a href="http://s164.photobucket.com/albums/u24/babygurl110_01/?action=view&current=12-04-07_1119.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i164.photobucket.com/albums/u24/babygurl110_01/12-04-07_1119.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

so in order to do better in track i had to gain weight or at least eat but that lead to me eating wich lead to me gaining weight i cant even say because i havent stepped on the scale im too scared to. im can honestly say that i can not step on the scale to see how much weight i gained bc it will lead to my suicide ...so i am going to fast then do 2,4,6 im thinkin about 8 then i can loose weight and i wont weigh untill i see progress...my mom is worried she saw me gaining weight and was happy but now ive started to restrict again i cannot be normal there is no such thing as recovery  its just pretending to be happy while gaining weight to please everybody else..thats why i say fuck the world ill be thin my way. im crying hysterically im so0o fat i cant stand to be in my body i hate it and i hate myself for looking this way ......

i gained about three lbs i can feel it. even though i amm not allowed next to a scale i can feel the weight on me idk i need to fast or im gonna hurt myself i jus kno it... :- / i cnt be fat forever 

Im going through recovery alone my mom doesnt kno i have an ED nor does my big sis but idk how to tell them i dnt want them to think im jus doin it for attention and shit like i really want them to understand tht this is how i live...i cnt be succseeful in recovery if i have no moral support...i need to get well enough so i can compete at nationals w/ mt team in feb...PLZ I DNT KNO WAT I WANT MORE....

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

Dear ana,...u will soon kill me if you do not go
i do not want u to leave this u must know
i cry at night for someone to understand
that this is not normal nor was it planned
ana...u help me be strong
i put things in my body that doesnt belong
i jus want to be thin i scream to myself
im starving whithering my soul away i c i need help
so i convinced myself that u r gone ana...i began to eat
i dont stop eating untill i cant breathe
to the bathroom is the next stop, the toliet is my best-friend
hours spent bent over u... the fun times never end
then i realized ana u havent gone away
in my heart in my soul u stay
to get rid of u i have to make a new me
that doesnt sound so comforting
ana... please go away
i do not desire any more for u to stay
i think it is silly that i can not eat
and if i do eat i must feel guilty
eating is normal and normal is my goal
but that will cause me to give up self control
ana...uve made me lie to myself family and friends
im sorry ana...but u must end!!!

xoxo*M33kZ*


 

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

Dear ana,...u will soon kill me if you do not go
i do not want u to leave this u must know
i cry at night for someone to understand
that this is not normal nor was it planned
ana...u help me be strong
i put things in my body that doesnt belong
i jus want to be thin i scream to myself
im starving whithering my soul away i c i need help
so i convinced myself that u r gone ana...i began to eat
i dont stop eating untill i cant breathe
to the bathroom is the next stop, the toliet is my best-friend
hours spent bent over u... the fun times never end
then i realized ana u havent gone away
in my heart in my soul u stay
to get rid of u i have to make a new me
that doesnt sound so comforting
ana... please go away
i do not desire any more for u to stay
i think it is silly that i can not eat
and if i do eat i must feel guilty
eating is normal and normal is my goal
but that will cause me to give up self control
ana...uve made me lie to myself family and friends
im sorry ana...but u must end!!!

xoxo*M33kZ*