anaukillme123

"normal day" disaster

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 02:36:04 GMT

so me and my bffl decide that we are "tired" of ana and we "convinced" ourselves that we were normal..well today jan. 32.08 we now know we have no hope to be normal. my nutritionist fed me the "normal" amout of calorie intake in other words the fat ppl way to eat and may i tell u it was living hell!!!! i was fed calories..i am so ashamed tht i dont want to mention it. my bff has coe but she has anoretic behavior too so she took the over feed a little better then i did...i cut my wrist and lost a good amount of blood just scraping the vein in my wrist...then i go to work out as soon as i get out of school wich led to me passing out and in a bed. i feel so obease and depressed i feel better off on 100-200 cals a day then . i am not happy w/ ana but i am never going to be okay being "normal."...i am a sad pathetic case of being stuck in the middle and i feel completely powerless to get well:-( .....maybe oneday ill see the bright side of thingz :-/

sober now....uugghh

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 00:18:58 GMT

i have relized that i fuck up alot in life. it is clear to me what i really want in life and that is to be thin. not just normal thin but i want to be sickly thin. i am desperate to be a size 2 something that i never was. i was always the "thicker" one in the group but not anymore...not ever again and i will do what i have to to make it possible. for my hieght wich i have jus had another growth spurt i am now 5"7 a size 2 will look deathly on me and i know this but yet i make it today that i promise myself that i will hit that size i will get there. i constantly tell myself that once i am a size two everything will get better im not sure if they will but i really dont care...i am very pissed at myself i have been high for the past two dayz so i have done mindless eating and i am not sure if i gained i am to terrified to step on the scale...i have find myself slipping away somtimes i cannot stand to be around my friendz and family sometimez they just annoy me and get in my way of my way of getting better. i cannot lie when i am high and i eat it almost feelz like i am normal i mean i do think about food but i am not afraid to eat it but when i come down and relize what i have done that is when the trouble starts bc i do not remember anything that has went into my mouth and of course i have to punish myself...so i am sober now and i have a headache had stomatch pain(might of been hunger pains) and lost of memory and i feel more depressed then i did for the reason why i got high...the only good point that comes out of this is that when i do get high for at least 5 days i drop about 7lbs w/o knowing then on top of my excersize i lose another 5. losing weight is the only reason why i do this but that should be too obvious..... well i gotta go workout b4 my parents come home on n btw i got my haircut yesterday i love it <3 stay strong and alwayz think thin

vent

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 22:33:33 GMT

so i everybody has these dayz where they feel like they cant do anything right...well i have a life like that. i cant do anything i say im going to and i cant fufill what ppl ask of me...sometimes i just feel usless just want to give up and give in :-( idk maye i jus need to relax and have some fun but nuthing i do can be fun bc my friends alwayz want to eat so i never get a break from them...and to day i did horrible in my track meet i didnt even try bc i just knew i would fail...i didnt really want to be there. And my mom pissed me the fuck off in the morning bc i had my food plan all figured out but she waited to late to leave bc she had to put on make-up wtf it was 7:00 am why does she need make-up idk...but yea im late she has no money the store takes no credit or debit so i am stuck with a track meet and no food..sounds great but i did shitty w/o it but at least i had about 170 today so sumthin came good from this day...well i justed needed to vent..i gotta go have to think of a reason to not sit at the fucking table for dinner.......i hate life die young save yourself:-(......

<3*think thinn* xoxo
*Kye Kye*

birthday thoughts

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 06:28:52 GMT

so ive relized my peception of thin has changed..i see some of the old thinspos i use to wach and it looks like i look like them and im still fatt!!!! this is upsetting i can never win and i will always be fat. somtimes i feel i want to be so thin so i can walk and my thighs have an 3 inch gap between them, i want to see the bones in every part of me bc i thnk tht is wat will make me and ana happy. maybe this will end wen i am 126 or 2gw:110 or maybe it will end wen i am dead i have kno idea and i dont care ne more i am goin to be so thin it will hurt and i will love every inch of it bc this is wat ana says...i cannot wait untill i go to sleep and wake up concentrated on my new path to be as thin as air each day i go its another lbs melting away to my perfect soul...wat lovely thought i have on my birthday :-/ well this is my first lj cut so idk if i did it right but this is my before and after...ne feedback i always see problem areas.....<a href="http://s164.photobucket.com/albums/u24/babygurl110_01/?action=view&current=me.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i164.photobucket.com/albums/u24/babygurl110_01/me.jpg" border="0" alt="me"></a>

<a href="http://s164.photobucket.com/albums/u24/babygurl110_01/?action=view&current=12-04-07_1119.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i164.photobucket.com/albums/u24/babygurl110_01/12-04-07_1119.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

my haard work for nuthing!!!

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 01:03:14 GMT

so in order to do better in track i had to gain weight or at least eat but that lead to me eating wich lead to me gaining weight i cant even say because i havent stepped on the scale im too scared to. im can honestly say that i can not step on the scale to see how much weight i gained bc it will lead to my suicide ...so i am going to fast then do 2,4,6 im thinkin about 8 then i can loose weight and i wont weigh untill i see progress...my mom is worried she saw me gaining weight and was happy but now ive started to restrict again i cannot be normal there is no such thing as recovery its just pretending to be happy while gaining weight to please everybody else..thats why i say fuck the world ill be thin my way. im crying hysterically im so0o fat i cant stand to be in my body i hate it and i hate myself for looking this way ......

im so fat

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 05:13:40 GMT

i gained about three lbs i can feel it. even though i amm not allowed next to a scale i can feel the weight on me idk i need to fast or im gonna hurt myself i jus kno it... :- / i cnt be fat forever

PLZ HELP

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 02:45:32 GMT

Im going through recovery alone my mom doesnt kno i have an ED nor does my big sis but idk how to tell them i dnt want them to think im jus doin it for attention and shit like i really want them to understand tht this is how i live...i cnt be succseeful in recovery if i have no moral support...i need to get well enough so i can compete at nationals w/ mt team in feb...PLZ I DNT KNO WAT I WANT MORE....

My DAY on REGULAR MEALS....

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 05:09:24 GMT

so today ive eaten regular, ive been eating normal for about 3 days and i havent gained weight but i havent lost any either. I hate the feeling of food in me. I feel dirty and like ive done somthing like murder. This is crazy i dont even kno how to explain it...well ok maybe i didnt eat normal..i purged and binged at night :-(. im kinda disapointed in myself i feel like im out of control. I wish this shit will go away. Either i cant eat at all or i must throw up w/e i do eat. I wish i was nrmal and felt ok with eating. And this rehab shit is BULLSHIT!!! it doesnt work at all u have to want to get better it just doesnt happen pple like me dnt jus have a cold and u give us medicine and it goes away. I am litterally scared and terorrfied of weight gain..i will cry and have a break down if i gain one pound doin this shit. I didnt even hit my GW wtf im about to stop and go back to my old ways...telling somebody was the best hing for my health but the worst for my fucking mind. I want to be left alone and just be skinny and if i die i will die to be thin. I have read all the health problems i will have and i understand that i will kill myself if i countiue this for a long time w/o an on and off health break but i rather die thin then fat. i hate how i look now i am discustingly fat(137lbs) H:5'6...i cnt live like this im not worthy to anyone this fat. I hate it I hate it I HATE IT i HATE ME!!!! i feel disgusting in my own skin if thts even normal idc if it osnt this is how i fuckin feel this is what i see everyday in the mirror and if i want to die to be thin it is my fucking life....i think tomorrw i will fast i need to really bad. This wole eat more to lose weight doesnt feel right im goin bac to what i kno and like and thts to be starving and restrict all the time...oh i do have good news on monday i start practice YESSS rigorous workouts on low cal intake i shopuld drop pounds quickly!!! i can not wait to starve and feel the thinnest...it feels so go0od. like my own high...well im going to bed now i guess or i think ill look in the mirror first and pick at my horrible fat:-(....on monday i will start the 2468 diet i dnt kno for how long i will do this maybe untill i hit my goal weight idk..(GW:110) i need a partner it will be too hard on my own i need an ana buddy...ill find one soon

Today i got called to thin!!!:-)

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 03:41:58 GMT

Today ana i have eating normal ive eaten about 1200 cals...that has kiled me even thought i purged about 900 cals then i took lax so wat ever i ate will come out in about an hour(11:00 pm)...i will be n terrible pain and i will regret why i even took the lax but then after when i feel better i will know why. I have no idea why i can not stop this ana u are a curse and a blessing this leaves me confused. Today my brother walked in my room when i had jus put on my clothes from the shower(not really showering jus needed an excuse to be in the bathroom to binge for a long time) and the shirt was sleave less...BIG mistake i have not notice that i have lost any weight but clearly it is obvious to others. He said i looked like one of those starving children in africa and the sad thing is...that made me happy :-) i finally was getting some where. He asked me was i like losing weight everyday but i dont think so i jus go about my day the best way i can w/o trying to kill myself w/ ana. well i just wanted to share that happy ana momment w/ u guys (lol) but my tummy i bubbling wich means time 2 shit out the 400 cals left i have eaten if there still there bc i kinda work out for an hour after my purge/binge...hmmmm idk but w/e i do shit out hopefully i will be lighter:-). im so dreading the moment in the bathroom the stomatch pains are crazy:-( but i guess its better then being fat right? heres a list of things i had during my binge
*4 coconut cookies
*about 7 minni chocolate muffin thingys
*some double chocolate fuge ice cream
*diet snapple
*bag of lays potatoe chips
the second one was a lil purge
*3 slices of pizza(minni ones)
well yea its about 11 so i guess i gotta go to the bathroom:-(
ttyl <XoXo *M33kz*

Dear ana,...

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 03:50:17 GMT

Dear ana,...u will soon kill me if you do not go
i do not want u to leave this u must know
i cry at night for someone to understand
that this is not normal nor was it planned
ana...u help me be strong
i put things in my body that doesnt belong
i jus want to be thin i scream to myself
im starving whithering my soul away i c i need help
so i convinced myself that u r gone ana...i began to eat
i dont stop eating untill i cant breathe
to the bathroom is the next stop, the toliet is my best-friend
hours spent bent over u... the fun times never end
then i realized ana u havent gone away
in my heart in my soul u stay
to get rid of u i have to make a new me
that doesnt sound so comforting
ana... please go away
i do not desire any more for u to stay
i think it is silly that i can not eat
and if i do eat i must feel guilty
eating is normal and normal is my goal
but that will cause me to give up self control
ana...uve made me lie to myself family and friends
im sorry ana...but u must end!!!

xoxo*M33kZ*